I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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