Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
