At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
