if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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