does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
