i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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