Don't make out with my wife yet
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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