Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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