we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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