Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
