I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
