I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
