i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
