I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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