Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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