Dual....:-)
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
