I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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