I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
