I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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