I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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