I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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