Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
