Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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