i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
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Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
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I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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