The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
nutella sex= disaster
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
