On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
