Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Randomize
