He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
