I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
