Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
