Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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