My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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