We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
