Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
