when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just had sex bonerless
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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