well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
