Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
