I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
