At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
