After last night, I could never be a politician.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
