Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
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I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
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I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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