literally had 100 drinks last night.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
