why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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