I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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