I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
