dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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