after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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