2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
