totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
