It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
