i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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