I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
