the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
