I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
