Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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