is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
