oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
