I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
