I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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