you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
